At 36 weeks + 3 days pregnant my insecurities are at the highest they’ve ever been in my entire life…
Don’t get me wrong – I am super excited about meeting my little boy and I really can’t wait until he makes an appearance. I’m counting down the minutes – every cramp or kick – I’m finding myself getting my hopes up that the time is here…I haven’t got long to wait and I’m taking each day as it comes but the ‘unknown’ of when it’s going to happen is scary! I’m a control freak…any of my friends, my family and even my husband will tell you that. I am the most organised person I know…I love my to-do lists, packing lists, I love to clean/tidy and I LOVE to plan! In my head – I can do it better than anyone else and I find it hard to let other people do things for me…whether it’s organising a party/night out or even a holiday! I love surprises but I also hate them because I don’t like the unknown – so I always find out – ALWAYS!
I’ve always been relatively confident in my appearance and if there was something I really hated about myself, I’d work on it or change it. My figure is something I’ve always worked hard for (although I will admit I am one of those ‘genetic freaks’ that don’t really gain a lot of fat – well that was until I fell pregnant)!
The below photos show you the weight gain. The before photo – sipping a Mojito at Ocean Beach Club in Ibiza just one month before I fell pregnant seems like such a distant memory because the photo beside it is me now at 36 weeks + 3 days. I was a size 8 and now I can’t seem to get my legs into any maternity trousers due to the water retention and weight gain…I’ve gained 3 stone and that was when I weighed myself over 3 weeks ago so it could be more…
I totally understand that there’s a baby in there – I’m not stupid. I have a habit of calling myself fat all of the time and people keep saying ‘you’re pregnant silly’ – I know! This doesn’t stop me feeling it though…I feel so self-conscious right now. I’ve started getting my lashes done and wearing a lot more makeup so that I feel better about myself – as if I’m hiding behind a mask. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my bump – the bigger the better I say – but what I’m not liking is the weight gain in my thighs, legs, ankles, feet, arms and of course my bum! My toes look like cocktail sausages on steroids and the cellulite – WOW! Another massive weight gain seems to have appeared on my bum…well you actually can’t miss it – I’ve stretched all of my BIG knickers and I seem to have become one of those people where you can see your knickers through your leggings because they are wearing the wrong size…I’ve bought 4 sizes up and it’s still happening!!
Don’t even get me started on the stretch marks either…I’ve used bio oil and body butters throughout my pregnancy and so far (touch wood) I’ve avoided stretch marks on my bump – but I’ve gained some on the sides of thighs and bum and I am absolutely gutted! My bum and legs have always been the part of my body that my husband has always found the sexiest – well that’s probably gone right out of the window haha! I’ve noticed he doesn’t pinch or grab my bum anymore…so as soon as I get the clear from my GP that I can exercise – I am getting my bum on that squat rack!
I say all of this and I know I’ll get my body back in shape – I can’t not because I really miss the gym and it’s one thing I’m definitely not prepared to give up…plus all of my friends are stunners with lovely figures so I’ll definitely be trying to get my body back!
My sleep hasn’t been great the past few months either…it’s not just the constant pees I need throughout the night (one record was 5 times in the middle of the night), the constant shuffling about and changing sides to sleep on because of the dreaded ‘achey legs’ but my dreams…I’m having dreams that my husband is constantly cheating on my with slim stunners – I think one dream the lady was even 64 years old! I mean whaaaat? No offence to any 64 year olds out there – that is totally not intended! At the risk of sounding cheesy – I have picked a good-one – my husband hand-on-heart is one the best you can get…he’s loyal, hard working and he would never ever hurt me – I’d put my lifetime wages on it – but in my dreams and the regular tears before I go to sleep or when I try something on and I can’t seem to get anything over my ankles – this insecure feeling is awful. We haven’t ‘done the deed’ in months because it doesn’t feel right on both parts because there’s a baby there…I’m finding myself worried he’s not going to ‘fancy’ me anymore – especially when the chances are my legs are going to be in stirrups and I’ll probably be one of those people who poo themselves in labour and my husband will see EVERYTHING. Haha!
All in all…I am going to work hard to get my confidence back so watch this space.